Paramount pays them we let them have a little fun.

The subject matter is sex though nobody gets to have any. May not be to your taste but it won’t corrupt.

By Leigh Ashgan and KittyKat

The lighting was low and the atmosphere at the small-secluded table was subdued. The entire senior staff was present, with one notable exception, although it was just as well because they were bitching about her. Tom took a swig of his syntheol and leaned forward in his chair,

"What was all that about?"

"Were you scared to breathe the wrong way in there?"

"That is illogical Ensign, since you can only breathe in so many ways, and how do you ascertain what is the wrong way?"

"It’s a figure of speech Tuvok."

"What’s the matter with her?"

"You mean you can’t tell?" All the heads turned to look at the figure that was hidden in shadows. B’Elanna leaned forward, when Tom looked at her from across the table and questionably asked,

"Do you know something that we don’t, has she been confiding in you?" B’Elanna shrugged and reached for her own drink,

"Not that any of you men would notice, it’s obvious to any woman walking these corridors except for Seven of course." Everybody sat up looking interested. Chakotay gestured to her,

"Well? What is it? Put us out of our misery." She sighed dramatically.

"How long have we been in the Delta Quadrant?" Tuvok raised his eyebrow, again,

"5 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, approximately." B’Elanna nodded.

"Exactly. Harry when was your last relationship, and I use the term loosely?" Harry’s ears went a little red,

"Hey looks whose taking, you’re dating Captain Proton." B’Elanna glared at him.

"About 3 months." He said quietly.

"And how about you Chakotay?" He looked puzzled.

"About a year ago. Well that’s if you don’t count the fake Lieutenant from 8472." They all stared at him in shock.

"But that’s not what we are talking about right now." He said into his drink.

"I was having a relationship at 01.00 hours this morning." Piped up Tom. B’Elanna thumped him. He rubbed his arm and through her a pained look. Chakotay looked impatient.

"What’s your point B’Elanna?" B’Elanna shook her head in despair.

"My point is women have needs too you know, and we have been here 5 years already." Harry looked confused,

"But what does that have to with the Captain?" Chakotay cuffed him around the head.

"So what you are saying is that the Captain is a little bit frustrated?" B’Elanna fixed him with a pointed look,

"I’m saying that the Captain is A LOT frustrated, I mean five years!" she raised her hand and spread out her fingers to emphasise her point,

"I mean you men wouldn’t last five minutes! Come on even our resident virgin Harry has had more sex in the last 12 months than she has had in half a decade." Harry looked offended and said in an injured tone,

"Hey I did have a fiancée!" Tom started to giggle and retorted,

"And who bets that you both decided to wait for the big day?" Harry coloured and said,

"Well it’s better than trying to bed anything vaguely female in a five light year radius. Stand back Casanova!" Everyone turned and said in unison,

"Casa who?" B’Elanna raised her hands and said in a calming tone (which is unusual for B’Elanna),

"Boys Boys play nicely! Obviously this is affecting everybody anyway we need a solution!" Tuvok turned to her and asked,

"I assume that you have a plan of action Lieutenant?" B’Elanna took a long swig and placed her empty glass on the table,

"I thought the plan of action was pretty obvious Tuvok. In laymen’s terms (sorry no pun intended) we need to get her…" she then gestured wildly with her hands. Everyone answered her,

"Ahhhhh." Except for Tuvok who simply said,

"Please Lieutenant continue." Tom then turned to Tuvok,

"I think that what B’El is trying to say that the Captain needs to have sex with someone!"

Chakotay turned his head around to observe the other tables and whispered,

"Could you say that a little louder Tom for all the people in the Alpha Quadrant who didn’t hear you!" Tom simply shrugged. Harry quietly said,

"Well do you mean a holodeck programme?" B’Elanna shuddered and said,

"I really don’t think that the Captain would be up for that. It would be kinda like having sex with the Doctor." The others looked a little nauseated, even Tuvok.

"What we need is a real life person." She continued.

"Like an alien?" Asked Tom.

"How can we tell if they’re compatible. And I don’t mean having the same hobbies."

"Did you know the protocol in interspecies relationships is this thick." Demonstrated Harry with a pained expression and a sarcastic tone.

"I should know she made me learn the damn thing!" Tom gasped in recognition,

"Oh yeah that girl on…" B’Elanna kicked him and growled his name through her clenched teeth.

"But we don’t need to talk about that right now. OK so alien is out of the question, so it has to be one of us. This isn’t something that we can delegate to a junior officer." B’Elanna nodded.

"So that leaves me, Seven and the rest of the crew." Tom raised his eyebrows at her.

"And you!" Harry looked a little frightened.

"I think Harry might be out of the running as well. I don’t think he’d be able to work up the courage. No offence Harry."

"None taken. To be honest the women scares the hell out of me." Chakotay and Tuvok looked at each other. Chakotay raised his glass.

"Tuvok you’ve known her a lot longer than I have." Tuvok acknowledged this with a tilt of his head.

"That would be correct. However not only am I married, I am not in pon farr and I have noted that when you and Captain Janeway are in close proximity both your heart-rates increase significantly, your pupils also dilate. From what I have studied about human behaviour this is typical of sexual attraction." Chakotay found something on the scarred table that was of great interest. He felt everyone’s gaze on him.

"Well she’s a good looking women all right! I take the vote is unanimous?" Tom grinned.

"Ladies and gentlemen we have a winner!" Chakotay looked depressed.

"How the hell am I going to get her into bed." They all looked away. B’Elanna smiled,

"I’m sure you can think of something religious or spiritual, hell tell her its for the good of the ship, lay back and think of alpha quadrant." He glared at her.

"Oh that’ll work. I must use that next time I’m trying to get a woman to sleep with me." He said sarcastically.

"Well it worked for me." Replied Tom. Chakotay sighed rose from his chair and left the holodeck calling behind him,

"Wish me luck." The others sat quietly as the doors slid shut. B’Elanna looked thoughtful.

"He didn’t take much persuading did he?"

The End (or is it?)